It Feels Like Love

Random Thoughts from a Restless Mind

Category: Love

Created At: January 15, 2025 - 7:30 pm
Updated At: January 15, 2025 - 7:34 pm

I have feelings for someone who doesn't have the same feelings for me, and it sucks. It's also one of the few feelings I have that I don't really talk to anyone about. I'm pretty much an open book, but with this one, I've kept the details closer to the chest for some reason.

The other day, however, I needed to talk to someone, so I confided in a friend. At one point during the conversation, the question of whether these were legitimate feelings of love or more like infatuation came up. Was it a crush?

It's a fair question, and honestly one that can be extremely difficult to answer objectively. At times, this question rubs me the wrong way. This idea that as a 36-year-old man I wouldn't yet know my own feelings. That I can't tell the difference between love and a crush; however, as I've spoken to more and more people about love, I've learned that my thoughts and opinions on it, while not unique, are not aligned with the majority of people. Many other people have a more abstract idea of love rather than their own personal understanding of how they themselves love. They aren't really asking because they think I specifically can't tell the difference. They're asking because they often struggle themselves to understand the difference when they struggle with their own feelings, so they assume others also struggle to tell the difference.

Nonetheless, I gave it some thought, and I've gotta say - it feels like love.

I've only ever been in love a handful of times. I've dated and fucked a significantly higher number of people than I've been in love with. I'm pretty good at knowing the difference. And while this one has a lot of the more baser desires, they aren't exclusive. Yes, I want to fuck this person silly. She's fucking hot! 🥵🥵🥵 Sue me. So sure, I want to spend all day in bed with her, naked, memorizing every detail of her body. Yes, I wanna taste every inch of her with my tongue. Yes, I want us to make each cum. Over. And over again.

But these thoughts come up so infrequently, typically just when I'm considering them, like I am now. Most of my thoughts about this person are more, for lack of a better word, wholesome. I have a desire to protect and grow with this person. To build a life together. To make her feel safe. And peaceful.

Most of the times I fantasize about having something more with her, I'm imagining laying in each other's arms, watching TV, surrounded by dogs. I'm imagining going on hikes or day trips into the city to shop and get food. I imagine going to the market with her, picking out fresh ingredients, and coming home to cook a meal with her. I imagine traveling the world and meeting each other's families and making each other laugh and smile. I imagine hugging her and kissing her forehead.

I think of all these simple joys in life and I just want to share them with her. Experience them together. But ultimately, her happiness means more to me than any of it. That's what really drives this belief home for me. Not only do I feel a way about her that's more similar to those handful of times I've been in love, not the dozens of times I've had flings, but I also just want her to be happy. If it's with me, great! That would be truly wonderful. But if not with me, I truly hope she's happy, both with herself and with whoever she ends up with, if anyone.

When I imagine a life with this person, it feels more right and at home than almost anything in this entire world.

I'm not a kid. I know these desires themselves aren't enough. Relationships are hard. They take real work from both parties. But this person is worth it. She's worth the effort and compromise and adjustment that comes with every relationship. She's worth the pain that can come from letting down your guard and truly sharing yourself with someone. She's worth it all, and I truly believe we would make each other happy. I truly believe I would be a good partner for her.

All this is moot, of course. As I've said, the feelings I have are not reciprocated. But when it comes to the question of whether these feelings are real or just a crush, I stand by what I said - it feels like love.