Self-Hatred

Random Thoughts from a Restless Mind

Category: Rants

Created At: December 11, 2024 - 12:11 pm
Updated At: December 11, 2024 - 12:16 pm

I keep forgetting I made this blog and don't have to restrict myself to Twitter's 280 characters when I'm trying to express my thoughts... 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Anyway, I'd been feeling pretty good the last week or so, but I've also only been sleeping 1 to 2 hours a night, so I probably should've realized it's mania and a crash was coming. Well, last night it came... (giggity)

I've been exhausted and I was feeling shitty, so I tried going to bed early last night. Thought, Hey, I haven't been sleeping, I'm finally feeling tired, and it's a weeknight. May as well get to bed early. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning. But after about 2 hours of trying to sleep, I realized it still wasn't happening and gave up. Then I did something I hadn't done in a long time - I messaged an IRL friend and asked if they wanted to come over. She did. I learned a while ago that some women are really, really into depressed, suicidal men. And while I don't understand it, I figured I may as well make my depression work for me in this situation.

So she came over, we did drugs, caught up a little bit, fucked, watched Grandma's Boy, fucked again, then sat and reminisced about the shit we used to get into in our 20s back when we were partying. And as we talked and I thought about all the things I'm glad I don't do anymore, I also started to realized that I don't really... like... myself. In fact, I think I legitimately hate myself.

I hate that I fucked up my last serious relationship. I hate that I let the destruction of that relationship break me. I hate that I live in a half moved-in house because I'm stuck in this structure that was meant to be a home for me and my partner but is now just a museum of painful memories. I hate that the casual relationship I got into after that was with an abusive piece of shit, that I opened up to her, and that she used that information to spread a nasty rumor about me. I hate that rather than defend myself, I just let people think what they wanted and lost most of my IRL friends. I hate that I used to be in shape. That I played soccer and swam. And now I'm fat, ugly, and balding.

I hate that I keep so much inside now. That I rarely tell people how I truly feel about them, good or bad. I hate that I'm weak. I hate that I'm a coward. I hate that I gave up on music. I hate that I'm sad and angry all the time. I hate that I tell people I'm okay even when I'm not. I hate that I was abused as a child and as an adult, and that I don't really talk about it. I hate that both the people who abused me seem to be doing a lot better than I am.

I hate that despite all of this, I'm still relatively young and capable, that I have a solid job, that I'm a successful adult outside of my love life, but that I spend more effort doing things for other people and taking care of other people than I do myself. I hate that I've done so much for so many people, but few of them would lift a single finger for me. I hate that I know I'm only 36 and despite my weight, I'm very healthy (physically) and I could make real changes and my life would probably look completely different a year from now, but whenever I think about putting in effort to change my life, I just feel tired. And not just my body and mind. My soul is tired.

I hate that I'm in love with a woman who will likely never feel that same way about me.

I hate that I could list so many more things if I had the energy and will.

I hate that I wrote this post.